From Filth to Cold Fusion: How Eaten By Clowns Will Clean Your House and Send Your Life Sideways

Are you wallowing in filth? Have the bugs taken over the house and are holding your youngest child hostage?

Is there enough recycling sitting around your living room to fund a small army? Well then, you’re in luck. The music of Eaten By Clowns has been scientifically proven to energize people while grooving to their tunes. Just put any one of their albums on your turntable or Bluetooth speaker and watch as the whole family decides to chip in and clean. Feel like dancing? Dance with that mop over there, you slacker. That floor isn’t going to clean itself. Need a burst of energy to scrub that dried crusted stuff off the counter? Put on “Drunk Chameleon” on the Weird Bits album and scrub like a crazy person. Need to organize the silverware drawer, now that you’ve gotten all of those raisins and salsa bits out of there? Put on “Thinking of Nothing” off the 42 album and let the groove help you flow through that tangled heap of metal. Want to bounce around the house like the floor is electroshock? Put on “Death by Balloon Animal” on the album by the same name. Whatever disgusting mess you’re trying to identify and purge, Eaten By Clowns has the song for you.

Dance to the smoothly groovy, spangly jangly, sweet summer sounds of rock music with a bunch of other weird stuff thrown in to make you question your genre. Is this music I like? Is this a collection of songs that speaks to the inner child in me? Have I finally gone insane? All of these things can be true with the purchase of any album from Eaten by Clowns. If you act now, we’ll even include a letter from the band with encouraging words about getting your life together, or a letter dismantling your life’s comfortable infrastructure that sends you spinning into a musical journey of self-discovery and bondage fetishes; whichever you feel your life needs most. We’re not here to judge, we’re just here to be a general bad influence to others. It’s time to shake things up a bit and send your life in a direction you never expected; Sideways.

With a clean house, a clean start to your new life, and a newfound wisdom gained from listening to Eaten By Clowns records, you’ll finally be able to finish that book you’ve been reading, pass the bar exam, or discover the secrets to cold fusion. We’ve already given you the answer to life, the universe and everything, in the title of our first album. (42) Why not try to figure out what the question is? Douglas Adams died before he could tell us and I’ve been itching to know. Maybe that’s a rash? Either way, if you figure out the question, let me know. Because Eaten by Clowns has the answer to almost anything if you interpret and analyze the lyrics until they make sense to you. And if you make that breakthrough, please call my therapist to let them know what you’ve found, but also use that knowledge to figure out what not to do and do the opposite. And with your newfound success, hire a housekeeper, and maybe a life coach that can help you get in the habit of throwing your uneaten food away rather than stuffing it under the couch cushions. They can follow you around with a cattle prod and zap you anytime you try to stuff a half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich under the cat. It’s life affirming.

With enough time and exposure to the music of Eaten by Clowns, you too can get that expensive thing you wanted with the little squeaky bit that swivels around and projects images of the galaxy on your wall as a 3D walrus flies through the Milky Way chasing a dolphin. You too can finally tell your friends, “It’s okay. I’ll drive. The state finally gave me back my license.” As you pack them into your car with the seats that keep your butt warm. Your college sweetheart, who made all that money in questionable infomercial products, will show up and want to fly you to Paris for a week of unbridled passion and she won’t even steal your kidney and leave you in a bathtub full of ice to be found by housekeeping the next morning. The dog that ran away when you were a kid will come back still a puppy, and ready to play fetch with your dirty socks again. That job that turned you down will call and put you in charge of the whole company, but only if you accept a large cash bonus first. Sounds too good to be true? It might be! We make no promises, but technically it’s all within the realm of possibility. (Odds are highly improbable and management takes no responsibility for leaving your life in ruins) So, get your copy of Eaten by Clowns’ entire library today!