Hot Sauce, Horseradish, and a Well-Timed Fart: What to Do If a Clown Tries to Eat You

It is a question that has plagued scholars for centuries, what to do if a clown tries to eat you.

The answer is, as always, to start with prevention. By refusing to hang out with clowns that will try to eat you, you therefore limit the number of possible occurrences of said heinous act, actually happening. An ounce of prevention is worth…something or another, I actually forget the saying. But regardless, the key is to not hang out with hungry clowns. Some have suggested that feeding the clowns first could also help defer their interest in you to a nice ham sandwich or something as equally appealing to a clown, but these theories haven’t yet been fully tested, so it is still mostly recommended that you stay away from any clown whose stomach is grumbling.

Now, step two usually involves trying to run and/or hide from the impending doom of a ravenous clown bent on the taste of flesh. It’s often been found to be a very effective measure, to not be seen or found as an excellent alternative to being eaten. The downside of this tactic, however, can be that once found by said clown, you may then be ingested. It is a risk you have to weigh against the agony of running. Now I’ve often said that the only way that I would go jogging was if a clown were chasing me with a bloody knife, but we have to take this option seriously. If you can in fact run faster than the clown, then you are halfway there. Now the trick will be to run for longer than the clown can without needing rest. If you get tired before they do, you’re pretty much out of luck. You will have to take your chances with this one, because there is very little in the world more determined than a hungry clown. This is where a good combination of the run then hide plan can have the most effectiveness. As long as you don’t get caught, of course.

A third option is to bathe yourself in hot sauce, although this is considered the most risky of all theories. If the clowns like hot sauce, this could actually attract the clown instead of convincing it to dine on something milder on the Scoville scale. Alternatives such as horseradish, mustard, or tuna fish should be considered as a possible deterrent, although they are considered as equally untested. Some people have theorized that a more visceral approach is necessary, like passing gas just before the clown approaches. The large clown nose is believed to be very sensitive, so the theory is a favorite among Harvard scholars. The second most favored theory by Harvard is to curl into a ball and look unappealing, so their credibility is questioned in this case. The fact that they seem very smart about everything else is the only thing that has given this theory any credence.

A fourth option of trying to reason with the clown has been put forth, but we all know how we get when we’re hungry. Can anyone be reasoned with when you’re craving Thai food? Appealing to the clown’s sense of justice and freedom to go unmolested in the world has proven to be ineffective. Praying has also proven to be a complete waste of time as clowns are atheists. The clowns have also been associated with loud music, and therefore their sense of hearing has been proven to be unreliable. Offering a hungry clown pie is a cliché and should never be attempted. The clowns will usually just eat anyone attempting these insulting clichés out of pure principle. Ice cream is a much more appropriate thing for clowns but is still considered a very bad idea as the clowns will usually just eat you first, then have the ice cream for dessert. They do seem appreciative though.

The best advice we have been able to gather is all here, and we wish you all good luck if you happen to encounter a hungry clown.