Pigeons Lost Their Jobs to Email

We need to find a good use for all of these pigeons. These are the things that keep me up at night. It’s just that pigeons were hit hard by the invention of the email, and a lot of them have been without a job ever since. And I may have eaten one in Morocco, and it was delicious. Just a random confession. I must be feeling snacky.

Anyway, the point of this article was to talk about the random things that keep me up at night. When I say random, I mostly mean the 50/50 chance of which cat will be waking me up for food first. But every so often, I lie there… Just thinking… About stuff… Like…

Who thought boba tea was a good idea? I mean, you’re just sitting there, minding your own business, trying to drink a refreshing iced tea. Then out of nowhere, these bubbles of weirdness fill your mouth and explode their unknown contents all over your mouth. This is probably how mind control starts, with whatever weird concoction is in boba tea bubbles. A specially formulated mixture that allows the government to put subliminal messages in our clothing labels that can only be interpreted by people who have consumed the boba.

But then the formula doesn’t work right (because this is the government we’re talking about) and the boba people all turn into zombies. But no one notices because they just look at their phones. And then, once the government has enough zombies built up and all looking at their phones, they’re going to shut the cell phone towers off and make the zombies go crazy.

That’s one theory, at least. The other theory I have is that the boba bubbles explode in your mouth and make you start buying knit sweaters and safari clothing, even though you live in the suburbs and the neighbor’s Scottish Terrier is probably the most dangerous animal you’ll ever encounter. But you call it a phase until you buy a beret one day and start trying to use French words that you don’t really understand.

Then your friends have an intervention, and you’re locked in a rehab for a while to detox from the cheap wine and self-rolled cigarettes you recently started smoking. You smell like smoke and indifference until you decide that the rolling is too much work and start ordering your cigarettes on Amazon again. At which time, the doctors deem you cured, and you resume your normal life as an elementary school English teacher.

And that’s why we need to find a use for all these pigeons, as I have just clearly explained here… Probably. I may have gone off on a tangent, but I never go back to read my own work, so I’ll just have to assume that I was right about the pigeon thing. I also don’t like tuna fish, if that’s relevant to anything I was talking about.